Loving, In Spite Of

I am always fascinated, especially in the spring and summer when I go to the park and watch the absolutely stunning brides and handsome grooms take beautiful pictures. The awe of beauty, perfection and love seem to be at its highest during this time. The pictures that are being taken will last a lifetime so the energy of love and happiness permeates the atmosphere. Suddenly, I am drawn back into the reality of life after the wedding. I look at the couple and I say “I hope they will make it because this is just the beginning”.

When a couple falls in love and decide to spend the rest of their life together, I always recommend that they spend sometime with a marriage counsellor. It helps to prepare both individuals for the ups and downs, likes and dislikes that everyone encounters in a marriage. In spite of all the preparation and wonderful advice received prior to a marriage, it never totally prepares them for what’s ahead. Some people say “marriage is work” and surely, the phrase is true. But what is truly the work in marriage that we so often hear about? Many will say that communication must always be there and working together in various ways to keep the love alive. This is all true.

One reality in marriage that we all have or will come face to face with is -what do you do when the person you love the most, hurts you the most? What if the hurt is so great that you feel you can’t forgive the other person? What if after forgiving your partner, the person hurts you again? One can never truly answer that question unless they find themselves in that dilemma. How does one continue to love past emotional hurt and pain?

The reality is that at the beginning of a relationship when we fall in love, we tend to love “because of”. We love because of physical attraction, because of the way he/she treats and respects me, because of attributes that will make the person a perfect parent, because of common interests. We can find a thousand “because ofs” before we get married. It’s not until after the marriage, usually after years have passed, that you begin to learn to love, “in spite of”.

During the course of marriage we change; our circumstances change, sometimes our physical features change and unlike before, the joy of staring into each other’s eyes may not be as fascinating. Loving your partner in spite of what they have done to you takes you beyond the surface of love. When you have experienced emotional pain or hurt from the one you love and continue to love regardless, you have come to terms with what true love is all about.

We were always told to love until death do us part; never until we find fault, or until you break my heart. Marriage is a covenant that we must always choose to honour. Loving each other is the foundation of that covenant. This is why we have to choose – we choose not to just love, because of but also learn to love, in spite of.

Angene Fynn